Trying Not to Be Defeatist, But it Would Be So Loverly to Even Be Middle Class

 

I used to watch regency era films with a sort of unabashedly escapist attitude, imagining of course that if I were to live in England at that time, I'd be running around the green of some massive estate. I finally got around to binging seasons one, two, and three of Downton Abby (well after everyone else has seen it, but, anyway) and this time I'm feeling really... haha...down -- 

I imagined while I was taking a shower (in the tiny bathroom that I share with my two roommates, with its plastic shelving from target holding an Amazon Prime load of epsom salt, the cheap and garish fluorescent light that we can't replace for something more mood, and the shower curtain that needs replacing...) telling my mom that I'm defeated. Or depressed. I know she would come back at me citing my lapsed faith and how I'm still not married, and then I'd have to patiently explain that it's not that at all. It's that I just haven't seen anything come of the effort I've put into it. I feel that service industry work has sapped me of a lot of energy from the times I could have studied, and even when I got my "foot in the door" at long last at a major publisher in New York, the work was so tedious and the pay was so terrible, and with both the publisher and the agency I would work at next, I still had to find part time work on top of it to keep my head above water. 

In the stretch of the last three months I almost killed myself (well, that's dramatic, but let's say that I've been sick a lot, and almost fainted in my kitchen one morning) working three or fours nights at the restaurant as I was wrapping up work with the agency. I had two paychecks for that time, and you'd think there'd be major headway on my debt. But because I had to have some dental work done (an old filling cracked and needed to be removed immediately), I haven't. 

Which is to say that no matter how hard I work, I'm one bad filling away from falling even further into credit card debt, and the road to debt "freedom" continues to stretch on ahead and I'm just soooooooooooooo fucking tired. So fucking tired. 

I kept my therapist even though I no longer have insurance through work, which sets me back $250 a month, and I'm constantly asking myself if it's worth it. Because in a sense I know what I really need. I want meaningful work and I want to be paid for it well enough that I'm not piecing together a 60-hour work week with other gigs.

In the regency era I'd probably be a farmer's son, or a merchant's son. And my lot would probably be to hope for at best a position as a clerk for a 700£ salary, which is also pretty shit, but really, rather comparable. 

Maybe I shouldn't feel so very shit? Here's where things stand at the moment:

Debts:

	April 2021	July 2021
Visa Credit Card	$4000	$5720
AMEX Platinum	$402	$349
Upstart loan	$8265	$7948
Loan From Parents	$1300	$1300
Fedloan*	$143482	$143482

*Not included in "Total Paid Down". This is just here for horror.

Total Paid Down: -$1350


Assets:

	April 2021	July 2021
Individual Brokerage	$3745	$6004
Acorns	$523	$1548
Vanguard	$3022	$3022

Total saved/accrued: $3284

... for an overall net gain of : $1934

The filling set me back $1800, more or less exactly what my balance increased by. 

I was able to put some money away at the very least. 

Woof. I'm just, tired, and maybe this is just money talking, but when will this ever be manageable. 

Here's to transparency at the very least -- I hope those who stumble here find some small reassurance in how deeply in debt so many of us are, and how many of us are struggling. It's not just you... promise.